Top Gear (2002 TV series)/Series 5/Episode 6/The News (1st December, 2004)

Article 1: Vauxhall Astra VXR

This week's first news article links directly back to the preceding segment, with May revealing Vauxhall's striking successor to the previously humdrum Astra Turbo; 240 BHP, turbocharged 2-litre engine. Clarkson is concerned that the car will be overly expensive, but May notes that it'll be both under £20,000 and front-wheel drive, meaning it'll be interesting to drive at the very least. However, that said, Clarkson does disparage the car's interior, dismissing it as resembling a man's wash bag.

Article 2: Schrempp's S-Class Stuttgart Security Swindle

DaimlerChrysler CEO Jürgen E. Schrempp wanted a new car, so he ordered his company to build him one at the expense of over half a million pounds; a Mercedes-Benz S-Class with 5cm thick armour plating, landmine-resistant fuel tank, bulletproof tyres, and bulletproof windows to name a few of the car's security enhancements. However, during a company meeting in Stuttgart, during which he was inside for 20 minutes, he left to find his car stolen much to the collective merriment of the audience. Hammond briefly envisions what the following phone call must have been like.

Article 3: Stolen Car Secrets

On the topic of stealing, Clarkson mentions that ex-KGB agents are allegedly stealing industry secrets from Volkswagen and selling them to the rest of the motor industry, to which end Hammond wonders if this is a plot in a novel Clarkson may be writing. According to an interview supposedly conducted with the boss of Volkswagen the night prior to filming, every month their computers suffer an unidentifiable security breach which they don't hear the end of until a year or two down the line, when a rival manufacturer incorporates their innovation into their design. Clarkson and May marvel over how the KGB is behind this, before Hammond and May mockingly ask what the "red dot" on Clarkson's forehead is.

Article 4: New Tigra

Returning back to Vauxhall, Clarkson annnounces that the company have brought out a 1.3-litre diesel version of their Tigra. Hammond and May take this news in a predictably negative manner, but Clarkson reassures the pair that this is a good business choice, as many people who'll buy these cars in the big city will likely not exceed low speed limits but still want the enjoyment of a sporty-looking convertible, even if they won't be able to reach 60 MPH. Clarkson's broadcasting compadres are concerned over Clarkson's attitude towards this car, and wonder if there's anything wrong with him. It's at this point a female member of the audience interjects with the preference that'd she'd "rather have a pedal car", to which Clarkson replies that very same week, he found out that cyclists are twice as likely to have a heart attack than drivers. He surmises that if you're in a car and pedalling it, the likelihood of a heart attack rises even further. After a brief series of jokes, Clarkson reaffirms his belief that the diesel-powered Tigra is a great idea.

Article 5: 4x4 Health Warnings

The NEF's idea for 4x4s.

James May relays information that the New Economics Foundation believes that by 2020, 4x4s will account for a third of all deaths in the United Kingdom, and so should come with health warning labels, similar to packets of cigarettes. This annoys Clarkson, naming "smacking children", "passive smoking", and "cheese" as all potential third-biggest killers in recent years, the latter actually mandating government health warnings. After recent allegations that sex is to be avoided due to an outbreak of chlamydia, Clarkson dismisses the NEF's claims and accuses those within the organisation as "bitter and twisted failures whose lives haven't worked out" who don't want other people to have the fun that they have missed out on. At this outburst, Hammond remarks that it's great to have Clarkson "back" after his previous defence of the Tigra which seemed leftfield and out-of-character given prior beliefs.

Article 6: New Lada

In 1997, Lada bid farewell to the UK market by offering requisition of its cars and repatriation to Russia due to a total end of manufacturer support. However, now the company has claimed to reinvent itself with its newest design; the Kalina. Though on the surface the car looks very poor, Hammond notes that its styling was designed to compete with other marques, namely the Fiat Brava and Toyota Starlet, both of which are cars that ceased production a while prior to the Kalina's introduction. They won't be sold in the United Kingdom, but will be in parts of Europe for the equivalent of £3,000, the majority of which Hammond notes will be the lost the instant it's driven off the forecourt. Jeremy Clarkson offers a Top Gear Top Tip to "avoid" this car, concluding The News.